Questioning

Lately, I’ve been in that hellish stage of questioning.

Again.

I was here at age 13 and here I am again, and it sucks.

I’m still not comfortable enough to do a broad “coming out” or “here’s what I’ve been questioning” post, but I’m putting this up for a very specific reason.

I’ve written about the fluidity of identity, in a way, when I discussed fluidity in sexuality. I intend to write a follow-up post to that one where I discuss gender identity. But I’ve always been a firm believer of supporting changes in the way people label themselves. There are some parts of your identity that can’t change, like your skin colour and ethnic heritage. There are others, however, that can only change or come about when you find out they exist, like gender, sexuality, romantic attraction, and religious beliefs—and you’re allowed to change your mind based on how much you learn about them.

So I’m posting this to say that I’m wondering if I need to change my mind, too. I’m unsure of the labels I once used. I’m unsure of the identity I once claimed. I’m being intentionally vague here, because I’m not entirely comfortable (let alone certain) of all of this and what labels are accurate. It doesn’t matter which ones I’m specifically questioning. What matters is that I’m back in this space and filled with uncertainty. Part of me is scared—as is normal when something changes—and that part right now is big.

When you question your identity, it often has a domino effect: it can change your relationships, your expression, and your interactions with society. You may have thought you were cisgender, but then you start to question that… and your life changes. There can be small changes or big changes, but it’s not going to be the same after you realise whether or not you are what you thought you were.

3 Comments


  1. Labels can be confusing. Sometimes, we might think a label best defines us, but then it changes a little later on. It doesn’t just have to be labels about sexuality or gender, but could be about beliefs (which change) or the way you live your life (which can also change). It’s perfectly fine to change your mind about anything. I, personally, will support you. As long as I see a little explanation, or someone admitting that they have changed their mind, there is no problem.

    The one thing I cannot stand to see is other people being afraid of changing their mind or changing what they use, and that is because someone else is giving them grief about it (which I also cannot stand to see). I know it’s vastly different to your example, but there was a way I was living with relationships in the past that I have only recently come to terms to, and come to terms with describing in a way. There have been people who have had their eyes opened by my change, and are happy that I’ve come to terms with it. There are other people who judge me and criticise me. That’s what I don’t appreciate.

    We should be allowed to change. Even though we are not going to be the same, sometimes change helps us feel more comfortable, move on, and have more self-love. And that is important.

    Reply

    1. Exactly! As one example, I used to identify as an atheist. But as I learned more about religion and spirituality, specifically a branch of spirituality emblematic of my heritage, I realised that I wasn’t atheist. I had simply been living and identifying in a way that I thought was right when I was previously living a way that wasn’t right for me.

      Whenever someone is unsupportive of someone else’s changes, it makes me uncomfortable. You don’t have to fully understand why they want to change, or the way they want to change, in order to support them.

      Thank you so much, Georgie. ♥ Change can be necessary and comfortable–as well as the opposite. For me this time, it’s definitely about being more comfortable… even if it’ll change a lot of my relationships.

      Reply

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