// posted: 9:23 PM | filed in: Life | Rambling

Listening to music; feeling absolutely miserable

I want to run away.
I don't want to live where I live. It isn't that my life is horrible, or that I'm in trouble, or I'm being abused. I just want to get out. I want to leave behind everything and start over, almost.

I want to be somewhere I can actually do something, whether it's a small town or a big city. I want to be in a place where there are things for me--people for me. Where there is something for me.

An ordinary life has never been laid out for me. I am not an ordinary person, so it would make sense for me to live an extraordinary life. A life where I do the same thing every day, or go through each month the same--it's not for me. A job in an office will not suffice. A car and traffic jams aren't for me.

For the past few weeks, I just want to give up everything I have right now. My home, my family, maybe even my friends. I want to go and do something for me for a change. I want to be reckless and dangerous. Maybe I'll even deface a statue, or vandalise a park.

I'm tired of sitting around. On a bus. At a computer. In a chair at school. I'm so tired of it. I want to run places. I want to walk places. I want to be moving around.

For the past, oh, I'd say three days, I have been bottling up what I'm feeling right now. All the anger and hatred and frustration and sadness and rejection. It's been bottled up, and splashed out in horrible little acidic droplets in the form of little comments I've spoken and tones in my words, all said to people I care about, like family and friends.

And I just want to leave it all behind. I want to go out and do something. I don't want to wait around for my life anymore. I have been waiting for my life for the past year. I don't want to wait any longer.

University is coming in the fall. And then what? I sit around in buildings, listening to lectures. I sit at my laptop, writing things and clicking with the mouse. I do exactly what I've been doing for the past thirteen years of my life. For thirteen years, I have sat doing routine things for people of authority. I have written things and said things to move on to the next seating place.

I am tired of sitting when I can stand, and standing when I can walk. I want to run when I can walk, and I want to prance and skip and bounce when I can run.

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// posted: 2:35 AM | filed in: Rants | Relationships

Listening to a reading by Frezned; feeling ehjyiaroyuureoya

NOTE: I swear a lot. Fuck you if you can't handle that.

It's nearly three in the morning and I can't sleep. This is always how these things go.

I am so tired.

Sometimes I get ridiculously annoyed at how vulgar and sexual I am. In fact, sometimes it disgusts me. Sometimes I think "Hey, Coryl, this is why no one is attracted to you."
But then I remember boys in the past who have been attracted to me, and whom I've dated.
And then I remember how it never lasted more than a month.
Hell, I was lucky if it lasted a week.

And I just don't fucking understand it. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand why it's like this--why I can't hold a male's attraction for more than a week unless their name starts with "I" and they're a shallow, creepy boy who wants sex.
(Just so you know, I haven't given it to him.)

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// posted: 9:06 PM | filed in: Relationships | Personal

Listening to Cry To Me by Solomon Burke; feeling slightly frustrated, but I'll survive

I will never understand how someone can always be in love with somebody. Like, how they always want to be with them, or hold them, or kiss them, or just generally show them the more-than-friends love people can show to each other.
When I love someone, I get past that ooey-gooey lovey-dovey crap and see them as a person. I don't see them as "my boyfriend". They're more like my partner.

I guess it would help if I told what I really see when I see someone I love.

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// posted: 8:51 PM | filed in: Thinking |

Listening to Pirates of the Caribbean film scores; feeling fantabulous

If you know me, you'll know that I'm not a fan of the Twilight saga. In fact, in the past, I was one of those irritating teenagers who bashed it relentlessly, despite the horrifying truth that I used to like the first book. I own all four of the novels, and I have read them all at least twice. I've had a few people ask me my opinion on Twilight, and it's actually a fairly long explanation.

To put it simply: I am almost indifferent.

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// posted: 11:37 PM | filed in: Writing |

Listening to a song from Wall-E stuck in my head; feeling soul-shaken

Today is the day I mark as the starting point of working as hard as I can to get a novel finished. It's a novel for someone extremely dear and important to me, and I want to have it finished before school ends.
I have just over three and a half months.

Wish me luck.

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